This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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