I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
