He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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