Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
