so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
