just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
