he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
