I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
