I will die if light touches me.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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