Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
