shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
