4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm gonna have a badass scar
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
