Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
