You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
