I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
