How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
