the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
