Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
