White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
