I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
