i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
