Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
