You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
