hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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