I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
