Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
