there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
my liver is dry heaving
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
