I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
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