Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
