I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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