I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
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