Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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