Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
