thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
