sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
