she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
