Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
