dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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