i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
They took my balls.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
