I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
