You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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