I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
