Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
