Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
