Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
