Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
So vagazzling was a success
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
