just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Randomize
