There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
This girl is more easily done than said...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
