Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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