i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
