I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I could make wine with my vomit
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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