Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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