I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
