I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
