mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
