He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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