I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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