I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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