My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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