I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
