Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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