I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
